I’ve spent the last week or two reviewing resumes for a new position at work, and I’m exhausted with the whole process. On one hand, the software we are using feels like it was written by trolls in 1998 specifically to abuse my carpal tunnel issues. Clearly the company responsible for it has never hired a UX or interface designer; every simple operation takes at least five clicks and a roadmap to get to.

On the other hand, the applicants we’ve been getting have been underwhelming. There have been standouts in the group, and we’ve contacted them, but the vast majority have clearly never read one of the thousands of How To Apply For A Job articles that litter the internet. So after reviewing 50 resumes this morning, here’s my unscientific list, in no order:

• This is a design position. You should list your portfolio URL at the top of your resume, somewhere in close proximity to your name. It should be in your cover letter too. Don’t make me Google your name, because I won’t—you’ve already been dumped in the “NO” pile.
• Buy a domain name and host your own portfolio. www.college.edu/portfolio/spanky57 is not a professional URL to pass out. You fail, because it shows me you’re not taking yourself seriously.
• Along those same lines, your email address should be something professional.
• This kind of goes without saying, but…don’t copy and paste the cover letter you wrote to that other job into the form field for this job. That’s just embarrassing. Check your work.
• The position I posted is clearly described as a print design job. Show me print design, or don’t apply.
• Something they don’t teach you in college is that good writers make good designers. If your cover letter doesn’t show me you’ve even done even a little research on my organization, you won’t get far. One sentence can go a long way.
• When you proudly point out that you coded and designed your portfolio website, be sure to change the <title> to something other than PORTFOLIO TEMPLATE.
• Speaking of portfolios, please keep the fancy navigation to a minimum. Your work had better be damned good if I’m going to fight your website to see it.
• If you insist on using PDFs to showcase your work, make them web-ready, please. It won’t disqualify you, but it’s goddamned annoying.
• If the job description clearly says Graphic Designer, don’t list your title as Desktop Publisher. That’s a bit like saying you’re qualified to fly a plane because you play Microsoft Flight Simulator.