Jeebus, it’s getting so that I can’t listen to NPR anymore without getting totally scared out of my head about the economy. Gas is at $100 a barrel, some Chinese government dude mentioned selling off some of America’s ridiculously huge debt, mortgage companies are imploding like crack whores after a day in the drunk tank, and our state and federal government are bickering over budget shortfalls. Meanwhile, the President is rattling our debt-leveraged sabers at Iran. I wonder when this country’s creditors are going to call in their chips and start repossessing aircraft carriers and national monuments?

It’s funny—all this stuff is happening, and there are still twenty or so retards running around the country shaking hands and making speeches, angling to be the next President. I don’t know what’s going to happen next year, but I’m thinking whoever “wins” is going to get handed a big shit sandwich when they take office. And, if the current talk is to be believed, we’re all going to be in a world of hurt by that point. All of this talk is enough to make me stockpile water and ammunition in the basement to wait out the Big One.

What I’d like to see tomorrow is for the Dow and all the financial analysts and the brokers and the Fed to take five, pass around a big fat joint, snack on some Doritos, and agree to chill the hell out. Because I don’t want to run a business in the middle of a recession.