I don’t like gambling all that much. I always thought it was kind of stupid to go to someplace like Vegas and actually spend money to lose—especially because everybody realizes it’s rigged. It’s kind of like expecting a politician to be honest. I spend too much of my life trying to make money to be stupid enough to give it to people I don’t like. That having been said, I don’t get the new poker craze that seems to be sweeping the nation. Card games are fun. Poker is fun for about fifteen minutes, until the assholes show up and ask to play “Texas Two-Card Flipside Straight Holdem”. Um, What? I’ve just finished my fourth beer, and you’re asking me to learn a game more complicated than my SAT’s? Sure, you can play nickel and dime leagues, and that’s cool, I guess, but I just never got into the whole thing. I think it’s because I’d rather be doing something active with my free time, like sleeping.

When I was twelve, our camper broke down on the way to our summer vacation spot, and we limped to a repair shop on a Friday night. Having nothing else to do for two days, my parents taught us Canasta, a particularly complicated card game involving multiple decks of cards. I think this was probably to keep from having to kill us. If you asked me to play it now, I’d be hard pressed to remember the first thing about it other than the cramps in my hands from holding all those cards, but I’d probably enjoy it. Plus, my Gramma Dugan was a Canasta genius, and she was fun to play cards with.

I think the only thing worse than losing money playing poker could be the people that go to watch other people play poker. It’s kind of like watching people play pool. If I’m watching somebody play pool, it’s because I’m waiting to play after them. Pool is ancillary to being with friends and drinking beer; it’s an activity that makes the evening more exciting than sitting on somebody’s couch and watching reruns of “Desperate Housewives”.

I suppose it’s fitting, then, that all the comment spam I’m getting here at Idiot Central comes from “party poker” sites and online casinos. Here’s an industry built around the need to play poker against a computer. Nevermind the fact that it’s a computer in Costa Rica, it’s programmed to keep you playing long enough to lose lots of money, and it’s tied in directly to your credit card. I guess I just want to know: What occupation pays well enough to be able to afford to lose so much money gambling? Because I need that job. Maybe it’s got something to do with moving to Costa Rica and opening an online casino…