We are tired of buying expensive birdseed to see it get gobbled up by the local squirrels. All we’re doing is motivating them to learn new acrobatic tricks. We’ve moved our bird feeders all over the side yard, cut down overhead branches, added giant cymbals and round circular baffles. We’ve tried different blends of birdseed which claimed to make squirrels run in fear and shit blood. They ate it like popcorn at the movies. Every time we make a change, we get a couple of days of quiet while the squirrels figure out the plan of attack. Then, they combine the acrobatic skills of Cirque De Soleil and the safecracking abilities of Harry Houdini to find a new way onto our poles.

With some careful placement, we thought we’d fixed the problem once and for all this winter but then they learned how to BASE jump off the trees above, land on top of the shepherd’s crook and then hang nonchalantly upside down to eat all the seed. I bet they have a YouTube channel where they film all this and then laugh at us yelling at them through the window.

I’ve had enough. I ordered a Ruger .177 air rifle from Amazon with a box of hollow-point slugs on Saturday and it showed up last night. I assembled it after Finn went to bed and I toyed with the idea of a few practice shots, but my guess is that it’s pretty loud. I’m going to wait for daylight and then take out a few varmints from the second-floor window (shooting downward ensures there will be no dangerous ricochet). Then I’ll have to find some quiet woods somewhere to toss the carcasses.