In the wake of some bad news last Friday, we did what most Americans often do when faced with potential financial crisis: We spent lots of money. Returning to Sears on Saturday for the Columbus Day sale, we ordered a range, dishwasher and refrigerator for delivery next Monday. The range is a different model and make from the one we first chose-it’s a Kenmore Elite gas range, and it turned out to be more expensive than the original, but it’s got a bunch of features we wanted. Convection gas oven, a warming drawer, a simmer burner, Check the bullet list on that first link there—six bullets down. See at the end there? We’ve got Sabbath Mode. Ozzy Fucking Osbourne is going to cook the crap out of our Thanksgiving turkey while “Crazy Train” pipes out of the recessed Bose flush-mount speakers. Not that shaky Ozzy you see on the MTV these days-no sir. Sears got the circa 1980, bat-eating, Stoli-guzzling Ozzy our parents warned us about to saute the vegetables.